So in love

Dear Courtney

You’re finally here and you are so beautiful!!!!! I’m in love! I have so many emotions going through my system at the moment. But one thing I do know for sure if that I love you so much and I cannot believe how blessed and privileged I am!!! Wow!!!!

Yesterday was a rough day:
The contractions gradually became more intense but mostly manageable. By lunch time I had asked for pethidine because my back was killing me and I was generally getting distressed with the lack of progress. The events of the previous 5 days were not helping matters either. Needless to say the pethidine just made me quite groggy. By 3pm the contractions were as intense (according to the monitor) as they are right at the end of labour and I was in agony. I started demanding that they give me an epidural and I passed out a few times from the pain, it was just that intense.

The gynae came to see me, did an internal and discovered that I was only 2cm dilated! 15 hours and only 1cm progress!!!! I was so upset! He said to me that things were progressing too slowly, he increased the stuff in the drip and monitored the progress for 30 more minutes. After 30 minutes there was still no progress!!!! At this stage I was very distressed and the gynae was getting concerned so he said to me that a c-sec was the only option. I was very upset but at the same time needed to think about you because my waters had broken so long ago, I didn't need anything to happen to you. The nurse came and put the catheter in, and I screamed because it was so sore! I think it was just worse because I was so distressed and upset.

I sobbed all the way into theatre and continued to sob until the very end when you were taken out. I started getting hysterical when I heard them talking about putting me under general anaesthetic because they didn't think I'd be able to sit on the table for the spinal!!!!! I told them that everything had gone wrong for the day so far and the least they could do was try so that I could at least see my baby when she was born. I was crying the whole time I was telling them this. Your daddy had disappeared to get scrubbed up. The doctors managed the spinal and started the c-sec. The whole time I was sobbing and saying that I was scared.
Thankfully the anaesthetist (Dr Bingle) was a wonderful and very claming man – he talked to me the whole time and he comforted me. After what seemed like no time at all, it was all over. That was the most amazing moment of my whole life! You coughed and then you cried!! You were put next to me and daddy and I cried together. After that you were taken away and daddy went with you. They stitched me up and put me in recovery. I remember nodding off so many times – it felt like I was miles and miles away.

In the meantime they cleaned you up and weighed you. 2.84kgs is what you came out as. Such a tiny little thing. Daddy was with you the whole time in the nursery. Never a prouder man has there ever been, my angel!

I got back to the ward what seemed like ages later. I was upset all over again because everyone was telling me how beautiful you were and what you was up to and I missed all of it!!!!!!! That wasn’t how it was supposed to be!

Eventually they brought you to me and I held you properly for the first time. It was then that I cried and fell in love all over again!

Everyone went home at about 8pm and left me to sleep.

I was very upset because I couldn’t move and I was irritated with everyone knowing more about you than I did.

Anyway, it was both the best and the worst day of my life! Nothing went according to plan. But I have you to hold now and that’s all that really matters.

This morning I was very upset because the nurses came in at about 5am to take the catheter out and then they brought you to me. You started crying and I couldn’t get up because it was so sore and I hadn’t moved since the previous day. I have already been made to feel like a bad mother because I can’t get to you quick enough because if the stupid cut that I now have!!!! How am I going to cope with all this?

Anyway, you are drinking 25ml of milk – it seems like such a little bit, but you are so tiny. I had to change your nappy for the first time today and was very scared that I wouldn’t do it right.

Your daddy and both grannys came to visit today. Lots of people have been in and out to see you.
I cannot believe that you are mine! How did I get so lucky?